girls girls girls

are confusing.

tense.

phases and phrases are all coming by like a slow heart beat of a dying old man, I try to pace my self like a teen hooked on e. things are should come around right? or do they really ?

pathetic

I guess i'm turning into something I didn't want to be but honestly I guess I'm getting

"desperate" when it comes to a girlfriend situation. I admit I do get jealous more so then often nowa days when i see couples just sitting together and they share that bond between each other where they look into their eyes and all they see is there wonderful times together. And people always tell oh wow you've never had a girl friend? wow good job you're not like a man whore. Ahh well to tell you the truth I feel left out because all my friends have had girl friends or have them and I want to expirence what they expirence the ups and downs and just be able to say I've been there. Honestly I am waiting for the day my friends want to hangout and I'll say nah man I can't I'm going to hangout with my girlfriend. :(

I don't know what you call it. low self esteem or what.

I don't know how to put it in the right words but I'm so self conciouses about myself its stupid.. I need to keep losing weight I've been kind on a plateau lately and not really gaining or losing weight. Honestly what I think if i lost more weight girls would like me more. It's just the way I look at it and I can't change it but force my self to change. with almost any measures needed. fml.

uncomfortably happy.

i keep it inside. locked away never to be seen again, always predicting the worse outcome to happen. I am frightened of the term rejection. I'm not sure if I want to fix it or not. Everyone knows it I guess I make it obvious unintentionally I guess that just show's that my feelings are slowly oozing out of my locked box know as my heart. Always using napkins to clean up the mess and trying to cover it up but they always rip and never work out. I have this gut feeling in my heart it will NEVER work out. People tell me to ask but I won't because I know that it will be a No. It's this fatal attraction that I've tried to get over many of times but I won't stop so I sit there wasting away let the times go watch sharks come and go never there to stay. I no longer feel self a chance anymore just a voice in the head just a moral barrier between good and bad just advice just a friend. My situation is complicated there is no cure for me but face my fear which will not happen. Maybe it's not meant to be I just know so It is so I keep as is only knowing that my demise is sure to come soon and explode one day which I dread the day it comes because I fear of what might happen. I live in a never ending circle.

Morals.

Yeahh throught out most of my life i've had good morals and always did the right thing and always was the good guy. Thing is that I'm tired of it all I want to experience the fast life sort of say and this year has been sure as hell fast trying new things. but I think this next year as a Senior I'm not going to stick to my morals as much anymore honestly I want to exprience the crazy parties and the drunk nights haha. Slowly but surely my morals becoming a mere figment of my past, Is this good ? Doubt it, but I think everyone deserves some fun time even if its a little illegal.

tecktonik

Oh my god, at first sight of people doing I became infatuated with it. I don't care what other people say I think its one of the sickest dances ever. I want to learn really bad and I'm going to begin praticing as much as I can I'm already starting to learn the basic steps! I can't wait till I'm a lot better and when I go to parties when the techno is bumping I'm going to bust a move haha!

Here's a Introduction to the music that "the boys" bump in Lex 1's car.

Dj Antoine - Work your Pussy_This Time (Mix) -

Why I don't have a girlfriend.

You know its kinda funny lately that a lot of people have been asking me oh how come you don't have a girlfriend? or when they ask have you had a girlfriend? and when I answer No they look at me with astonishment like what the hell thats crazy. Honestly I'm way too self conscious with my self and I know thats a problem but I have no idea to fix it, I'm soo shy when it comes to talking to people in person ill usually sit there and just smile at them with a blank stare in my eyes don't say anything until spoken too. I have no perception of whether a girl likes me or not I never get a clue with the hints they drop. And even sometimes ill take things the wrong way and oh man does that end as a disaster. When I do like a girl I usually never gather enough courage to even tell them and just let some other guy just take them away which does take a toll on me but I've gotten kind of used to it. I've noticed that when girls tell me things that like oh yeah defiantly were gunna do or yeah i'm going to make this. It never happens haha and I never want to ask "hey when are we gunna do this" or "hey have you made that note yet" because I feel soo scared to ask them and that they'll get an idea of me that I'm some sort of a naggy person or that i'm just plain annoying. Another thing is when I actually do hangout with a girl I imagine to be soo awesome and my head goes wild, but in the head i'll end up with disappointment because it NOTHING ever goes according to plan. I'm just a weird person people also say I'm just really picky but you know I don't care because all these years of me not having a girlfriend I've had the time to observe having a girlfriend is kinda superficial I mean hardly anyone stays together longer than a year It's highschool most kids break up within months. Now I'm not saying I don't a girlfriend because I do want expirenence it all for myself just having somoene to sit next and cuddle for hours on and just talk about the most random adventures Is honestly what I dream about I guess if it doesn't happen now I can always wait.

I don't know.

This past few week's I've felt so indifferent about my self. I literally falling apart one piece by piece. The funny thing no one is noticing , I'm doing things that is really out of my norm out of peer pressure. My grades are slowly slipping away from me and I only have two weeks to repair them. I doubt I'll make CSF this year. My heart is about to burst I have no direction there is no light for me to follow there is no signs for me get a hint from I am just falling apart mentally right now. I just want one time just once for something to go my way. I honestly need guidance.

A dear friend.

There's this kid named Brandon Perez he's crazy, a little racist , fucking sick , comes up with best phrases , a horse fuck ,but best of he's my best friend. We meet in tee ball back in the day and we actually became best friends in 4th grade where we were in the same class together Mrs. Galloway and been best friends since to this very day. We've sure have been through a lot the past years of our friendship, we've gone from playing teamball to sitting on the sewer at lunch time where the cool kids hanging out from gaming all day and night to going to hardcore shows , to causing mischievous acts in the night. He is a crazy kid he's been there for me every time I had a girl problem everytime I needed help , everytime I needed advice , everytime I asked a favor for him he'd do to the best of his ability. This guy has seen more sides of me then anyone else more times then anyone on this world from hitting me in th head with big red balls to punching me soo hard that he leaves a brusie for a month to just talking about the girls. I love him to death he is like a brother to me. He is my best man. We've had many endeavours together and much more to come. Don't forget our Pact! This guy is my fucking boy.